My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
