Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
