Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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