she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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