a queef is a wish your heart makes.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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