it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
