Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
i now understand why vodka
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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