Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
