Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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