awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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