she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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