dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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