stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
