I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
pray to the hookup gods
Randomize
