just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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