Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
The best revenge is premature balding
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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