please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
My bed smells like the plague
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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