Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
