and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
