I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
