Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize