Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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