I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
