i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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