a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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