just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
