Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
