finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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