I haven't been this sober since birth.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
