I feel like I'm in dance class right now
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize
