I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
areolas are like halos for boobs.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
