Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
