she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize