im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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