Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
