i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
