So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
