this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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