This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
