Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
