i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
