Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
