i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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