i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
