My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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