Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
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