John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
