Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
