it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
