Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
