I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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