it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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