i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
