I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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