Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
