How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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