I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
