I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
